Day after Thanksgiving

November 23
Friday

I have chains I can’t break, chains that seem to get tighter and tighter as I live here. I know that I signed up to be a student missionary for this year, but sometimes I wonder if I fully thought this through. Tonight was the first time I cried because I miss home, friends and my youth. I went out with G1 last night and we hung out with some of him friends, but I was just was miserable. I came to the realization that I can’t be young anymore. I can’t just do want I want to do. I have so many rules to follow (unwritten), so many expectations to live up to. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle it all. Coming to the realization of growing up is scary. I am responsible for myself. I can’t blame it on anyone else. Last night Katrina and I were talking, she gave me good advice, but I didn’t want advice or the realization of my problem pushed back into my face by another. I just wanted her to sympathies with me. I guess this is part of growing up; you are not always going to get it the way you want it.
When I got the job at Papoose a few summers ago it was really scary for me. I was realizing that I can’t rely on Mom and Dad anymore. I have to stand on my own two feet. Which is fine for me, but hard to comprehend; you know, I have been pretty independent ever since MEA. But living in the dorm you are still under rules. Here (Cambodia) I’m not really required to do anything, but you are “given” the rules. Meaning no one is going to make you do anything, but if you want to keep your job then you better. I guess that is how life is. You are not forced to do anything, however you have to live with the consequences.
As each day goes by I’m learning more and more. Its nice to know I have friends and family to always fall on when things fall though. Also, I like knowing my family knows I can do anything I want to. I still remember my Mom’s face expression when I came back from Camp Paxson wanting to go to MEA. She didn’t believe me at first thinking it was a phase, however one week before school started I was asking, “When can I enroll?” Priceless.