Refiners Fire

April 26
Saturday

Today I started reading a new book entitled The Refiners Fire written by Gavin Anthony. Gavin is the son of Garth and Silvia her on the compound. Speaking of them, this will be their last Sabbath here. Garth has been having health problems from the heat and needed to retire early. Its going to be different without them here even though I didn’t get to know them that well the little I did talk to Silvia it was enjoyable. I still can remember her inviting Katrina, Ben, Kim and I over for tea. Which meant dinner and worship. It was pleasant.

Anyway, the book is about life’s suffering and how it all works out for the glory of God. For the past month or so I have been having a hard time here. It was only recently that it all started looking on the up side, but still with unpleasant moments. I realized that God was shaping me. He was bringing out the worst in me so that I can see my weaknesses. He was not doing this to punish me, but rather for me to fix them before they cause me to fall completely from him. I’m not going to lie. I have fallen from God. All the problems started the moment I put certain things before him. I have been so focused on them that I lost sight of what is really important. Reading the first chapter (Refiners Fire) this morning I realized God allowed problems to come my way so that I can realize my weaknesses and know that he is going to be there in hard times. We are all promised we are never alone in the dark. He is always the light.

I have been trying so hard to stay within a SDA community to help me not fall from Him. But you can’t let others do your work for yourself. Ben said something the other night during worship that really opened my eyes. He said, “If you don’t take time to truly know your God then how do you expect to be saved. When judgment day comes God is going to deny you because you don’t know him. You don’t have a personal relationship with him.” That pretty much made me apprehend the idea that just because I’m in a SDA community doesn’t mean I’m going to heaven because quite frankly I don’t have a very strong stance with God. Yes, I know of him, but I don’t truly know him. I don’t have a relationship with him. I have been counting on others to do my work for me. I have been relying on others to tell me about the Bible.

My God does love me and I know that, but do I love my God? Or do I love the idea of him? I still can remember the day I got baptized. I was crying my eyes out because I could feel the presence of the LORD their and I was truly sorry for all my sins. I was so happy because I was giving my life over a God who truly loves me even though I’m covered in sin.

I feel that God is communicating with me through other people and their words. He is trying to tell me to come back and cast all my burdens upon him. Why is it so hard for us to cast our troubles onto someone else? Really we should be rejoicing because we don’t have to worry about it anymore, but why is it that we have to fix everything ourselves? Well, maybe I shouldn’t speak on behalf of others, but for me I have such a hard time doing this. I am so stubborn. I want to fix everything myself, but in the end everything turns out worst.

Please pray that I finish out the rest of the year strong and grow closer to God. I need his help and need just to surrender ALL to him.